A Letter to a Friend

MJ,  my deepest condolences to you and your family.

It is not right to say that I completely know what you are going through. But I have went through a loss of a love one.

My sister passed away last Feb. 3, 2012. She had multiple aneurysm caused by AVL. It happened very quick. There was no way that we could have anticipated what had happened to her. She was doing fine and the next she was in an ICU, comatosed.

I have watched as the doctors inserted tubes for her to breathe, blood came out of her mouth due to trauma from insertion, I have watched her post op on her ICU bed, bandage on her head were the surgeons operated to stop the bleeding but failed,  her one eye bulging from hematoma, lifeless and unquivering.

I have watched my father made the most difficult decision of his life. To unplug the life support from my sister because several doctors and a bishop have told us that Ate Pau was already brain dead. I have watched as the last beat of my sister's heart faded away.

Tremendous pain,  sorrow,  grief - never have I felt so lost and numb. I wanted to scream,  I wanted to cry my heart out literally. The pain was just unbearable. For a moment I blamed God why it happened to my sister leaving 3 of her children motherless. I have prayed so many times that a miracle will happen but God still took her away. And my prayers became shouts of foul cry to God.

At first I resisted. I wanted to know the "why" of it all. But as they say, God moves and does things in His own way and we should just trust Him for all shall be made clear in His time.

So I embraced the pain. I embraced the hurt. I cried and cried...  I was bare and clinging only to God so I would go through it right.

MJ,  you will cry. I mean cry a LOT. It is ok. Just let your tears flow. Cry, cry, and cry some more. And when the time comes that no tears are falling talk to God. He will speak to you.

Losing someone we love will make us appreciate every moment that we spend with the living, specially with the ones we love,  and also the ones we have hurt. It will make us more empathetic to the feelings of others. And the most important thing is that it has taught me to forgive and to ask for forgiveness.

Yes, such is the story of life. But we all know how it is going to end. As Christians we know that when we leave this earth we will be spending eternity with God in Heaven. And one day, I pray and believe, that I will be seeing my sister there, and so will you and your father. Someday. In God's time.

Praying with you.

Sincerely yours,

LG

Dispenser

I hate being a convenience dispenser.
You know, when people only remember you when they need something from you.
When people know, or would want to know you because of the status you hold or your usefulness to them.

They are there in good times. They are there on their times of need.
But when in bad times I'm alone... and when they are well off I'm unwelcome or just the plan D.. or usually plan E.

I affirm their opinions. I listen and I hear them out.
When I have time I provide for their interests without expecting anything in return.
When I see them contented because of this I feel happy for them and it makes me happy as well.

However, my opinions are shrugged off or are subject to later scrutiny. Because of this
my interests lie with myself and within myself. Talking about these with myself seems to be a cherished activity.
I'd have to feel contented.. or lose what I know about the feeling of happiness.

They seek me out on personal whims and make myself be found.
I seek them out for company and they make themselves scarce.

They walk with me on cobblestone roads. I walk alone on dug up tracks.
And how I wish this wasn't so but here I am walking strong.

Dispensed when needed.
Taken for granted?
Perhaps. Improbably.

In this world full of temporary people, what I'd hope is for someone to infinitely endure it with.